08 June, 2010

Meet Mister Typical

So I get a lot of contact on this dating site I'm on. And there's certain stuff that just sends me into a white hot rage. At the risk of sounding like an utter bitch, I have transcribed a typical description, and added my own comments in parentheses, in italics. Think of it as a sort of translation.

Tall Dark and Handsome, a True Gentleman, one of very few left, an Extremely Intelligent Self Employed Professional.

[Okay, let's start there. Not just intelligent, but Extremely Intelligent. Although not so intelligent as to have a clear understanding of how to use capitalisation. Note the excessive use of adjectives.]

Good Looking, Healthy, Happy, Fun, Clean [why does he feel he needs to mention this specifically?], I take pride in my appearance and always smell nice [what? What's that about? that's the second mention], extremely Positive, GSOH, Lots of Stamina, Very Romantic, and Knows how to treat a Woman; You know, the kind that would send you flowers and simply say (I love you). [I'd be happy with the flowers alone actually. And maybe some booze to inhibit my inhibitions. What's with those damned capitals? And may I suggest that good looking is subjective. For obvious reasons I can't publish the fellow's picture, but I can say that his is definitely on the below average side of handsome.]

I respect people for what they are, and I've never met a person that I did not like. [Liar!]

Well educated, respectful, considerate, generous, affectionate, always have good intentions, understanding, supportive, Caring, Spontaneous, Elegant, A very well balanced professional. [Seriously, is there anything this guy isn't? Does he have a Nobel Prize? I mean, it's good to be positive about yourself, but really.]

Did I leave anything out??? LOL!!! [Ten points off right there for multiple use of question marks and exclamation points. And another ten for the odious LOL]

I enjoy the best that life has to offer, love getting outdoors, but just as happy cuddling in front of a fire. [This is two of my pet hates. "The best that life has to offer" is just stupid. Who doesn't? As opposed to enjoying just mediocre things that life has to offer? Pssh. Then there's the bet hedging - I'm outdoorsy, but just in case you're not, I'm also happy to just sit quietly.]

love to travel with someone special, Weekends away (A must), Spending quality time with my special partner is exactly that (Very Special). [And then misses the capital at the beginning of the sentence, but feels inclined to use one throughout. Must I really go away for a weekend with this guy? Oh, and did I mention I'm not your fucking someone special? I really hate that sort of language. Someone special, special lady...blech.]

Did I mention that I can cook??? Oh, and I always wash the dishes afterwards, LOL!!! [see above re: multiple punctuation etc]

And Finally, I always make sure that ( my day starts right and ends happy ). [Oh, by that I assume he means he either has a wank at either end of the day, or a shit in the morning and a wank at bedtime.]


And there you have it. Mister Typical. Breaks my fucking heart it does. Breaks it.

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