30 July, 2010

Self Awareness

So this is the sort of profile that just sends a chill down my spine:
"hi there i have been living in melbourne for just over a year comeing from qld its so cold , but anyway I an entertainer by profession iv been working all over melbourne and would like to meet someone special out there , so if would like to meet up for coffee please send me an email and see how it goes.

"dont forget lifes to short , lets go out and have some fun . only people with photos please"

So.  Let's talk about punctuation.  And spelling.  And then let me tell you about this bloke's picture.

Part 1.  Punctuation and Spelling (I figured I'd spare you the long version, and just summarise).

According to my count, and it may be flawed because it is, after all, 10:31 pm and I've had three quarters of a bottle of wine, but there are precisely five punctuation marks.  Now, because I have impeccable grammar, I can tell you that there should, in fact, be at least ten.  That includes the missing apostrophe on "iv" which should, of course, be "I've".

Spelling.  Oh my lord.  Let me count the ways: "comeing", "its", "if would like to" (okay that's grammar, not spelling for those of you more pedantic than me) and while we're at it "lifes to short"  You know, it defies logic that these guys just don't even bother to spell check.  And this dude is expecting me to blow ten bucks sending him an email.  I don't think so my jolly friend. The phrase "anyway I an entertainer by profession" itself makes me feel a little queasy. An entertainer.  Just what do you think this guy does?  Sword swallowing? Read on my lovelies!

Part 2. The photos vs the description.

Right. So this fellow describes himself as "a bit overweight".  I am telling you now, judging from his pictures he'd have difficulty getting into a MaxiCab.  We're talking about your worst nightmare on a long haul flight.  The man that needs not one, not two, but two and a half seats. He is, frankly, enormous.  Elephantine.  But just in case you're blind, or really really desperate, he says he's "a bit overweight".

My other theory is that he believes that.  He really believes that if he just gets up a half hour early in the morning, and goes for a run, he'll work it all off in no time.  And you know what, he probably would work it off in a couple of years.  But if he's anything like me, he'll be hitting the snooze button all the way from 7am to 7.37am (which is the very last minute I can stay in bed and still get ready for work and make the train).  And by the looks of him, he's stopping off at Maccas on the way to work for a double McLard, sausage, cheese, double bacon and hashbrown burrito.

God almighty.  Why?  Why do they email me?

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