20 August, 2010

The Violinist

Question: Why is a violin smaller than a viola? Answer: It's not, it’s just that the violinist has a really big head.

My ex, who’s a musician himself, told me that joke. Ah sweet fate, if only he’d told me before my date with the violinist.

I really had my hopes up on this one. A musician with a popular Australian orchestra, in his pictures he looked warm and charming. He had intelligent eyes, and well, he was a professional violinist. How artistic and interesting!

So, with hopes high and lipstick perfect, I awaited his arrival at a very-difficult-to-get-into restaurant in town. When he arrived I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. It was like he had a giant jelly head balanced on this skinny body. He looked like a tube of toothpaste where someone’s squeezed it all up to one end. My heart sank.

Then he sat down, and said “Hi!” A blast of toxic halitosis washed over me. I swear the candle flickered, considered committing suicide, but, thinking of the brevity of its existence decided to stick around a minute longer. This is a man who could rent himself out to the Texas Department of Corrections as an executioner, if it wasn’t for the clause “cruel and unusual punishment”. Breath that could have won the war for the Kaiser, if only he’d used it instead of mustard gas on the battlefields of the Russian front.

I found myself involuntarily holding a finger just above my upper lip in a subconscious effort to stop the smell getting in, or perhaps, to sniff the lingering aroma of soap thereon.

And yet, he wore aftershave.

He talked a lot about himself, asked a little of me. But it was to no avail. Far be it from me to be overly fussy, because the gods know that every day my standards slip a little further, I might even have forgiven his giant melon head, but I do draw the line at oral hygiene. He was second fiddle anyway.  No, actually second fiddle.

Oh Cupid, you utter bastard, why dost thou torment me so?

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