23 September, 2010

Eight Easy Steps to Dating Bliss.

So last Sunday night I went to see some fabulous impro and, as fate would have it, was called up on stage to assess the charm quotient of the performers in a mock dating scene (can you imagine?).  Anyway, it occurred to me, that some of you fellas could use a few pointers.  And rather than bitching about you week after week, I should make an effort to actually give you a helping hand.  So here's my top eight dating tips in no specific order.
  • If you're the sort of fellow who can't take his eyes off the television, then don't go to a bar that has one. 
  • Clean your teeth.  No-one wants to kiss a mouth reminiscent of the reeking depths of Satan's anus.
  • Don't pretend to know something you don't.  For example, don't say "Oh, I'm really into evolution." Because a smart, sciency type of girl might come along and say "Really?  Me too!  What aspect of evolution particularly interests you."  And when you say "Err, I just like how some animals are a bit like other animals,"  you will look like a douche.
  • In addition to the point above, when you are busted not knowing something, and your date says "you don't know anything about evolution, do you?"  Don't try to defend yourself and bravely guts it out pretending you do.  Especially if your idea of natural selection is letting the waiter choose the wine.
  • Try very very hard not to stare at your date's breasts.  I know they're more hypnotic than a one-point grand final, and it's hardwired into you to ogle them.  Just don't, okay?
  • If you're at dinner, eat with your mouth closed.  Nothing makes a girl think "No Fucking Way" like watching your half-masticated parmigiana rolling around your mouth, spraying lightly across the table while you regale her with a tale of how awesome you are.
  • Don't get shitfaced.  Once again.  Don't get shitfaced.  Don't get so drunk you fall off your chair backwards (see The Dirty Liar), or leer at your date and tell her you want to fuck her (see The Bad Kisser), or totter head first into the microphone stand (okay, that was a chick, but see Girls Night Out). Peaking early is not cool.
  • Try to look nice.  We're not talking about dressing up like Bonny Prince William on his way to Ascot.  Just try not to look like the kind of guy who fossicks about in garbage bins for cigarette butts.  And wear shoes. 

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