29 November, 2010

Six of the best

So as the behaviour of my dates hasn't improved a whit since my last post of dating tips (see Eight Easy Steps to Dating Bliss), it's time to post some more. 
  • Turn off your mobile phone. Or at the very least, don’t answer it. Sitting in a bar nursing a drink and watching you talk to your ex-girlfriend is boring, and makes you look like a wanker.
  • Don’t pick your face. Yes, I can see you. No, you’re not being discreet. Don’t do it. It’s disgusting. Oh god, now you’re bleeding.
  • Wash your clothes. This doesn’t mean spray them with Lynx. It means putting them in the washing machine with detergent and turning it on. The smell of stale sweat and body grease makes me more nauseous than two bottles of gin and a guilty conscience.
  • Be aware of my personal space. Look, unless I’m giving you the vibe, and believe me, I’m not a girl whose vibe you can miss, do not crowd me. There’s plenty of room on your side of the table. There’s no need for you to move over to mine (don’t believe this happens? Take a look at Mike Yanagita). And don’t touch my legs under the table either, you cretin.
  • If such a thing is possible, could you not adjust your testicles while you're talking to me?
  • Finally, it’s probably best not to talk about how you’re recovering from gastro when we’re having dinner. If you’re sick, stay home. Don’t spray your filthy bacteria all over me. And you’d better not come near me with that pox-ridden mouth either. Jesus Christ.

1 comment:

  1. Little known fact: testicular adjustment and alignment is an excellent digestive aid.