24 December, 2010

Ho ho ho

Why hello there my lovelings!  Just a little note to spread some Christmas cheer.  It's been quite a year.  And while my original plan of going on a date a week didn't quite come to fruition, I'll be giving it a red hot go again in 2011.  In the meantime, you can count on me to flirt shamelessly at Christmas parties, and to possibly pick up on New Year's Eve.  So very much to look forward to.

So I wish you all a very safe and happy Christmas with your loved ones. Be they family, friends, lovers or four legged pals.  Because love isn't just about romance, sometimes you find it in the most unexpected places.  Just this morning my cat left a special Christmas present for me on the carpet.  It was a day early, and possibly not my favourite thing, but it's the thought that counts. 

Take it easy on the roads, be generous in your thoughts, don't drink and drive, I beg you, and have a roaring, hilarious, riotous, fabulous Christmas.

Love love,

Dead Fish Float.

21 December, 2010

Famous Faces

Ever have one of those days when people on the street all look like famous people?  A Michael Douglas here, a Cameron Diaz there.  No?  Really?  Well, I do.

And  from time to time I get people checking out my profile that look alarmingly famous.  Fortunately, I’m not a star-fucker.  Which is to say, I’ve never shagged a bona fide A-lister, and as the years roll by, my chances of doing so are growing increasingly slim.  Unless, you know, it’s someone way past their prime, like John Voight.  Wow.  I just had an image of being Angelina Jolie’s step-mother.  Wouldn’t that be awkward!  Especially at Christmas when, after a few too many egg nogs,  I tried to hit on her husband.   “Angie baby, get Momma another brandy will ya? There’s a good girl.  Quick, Brad, there’s something I have to tell you.  Let’s just nip into this bathroom…why am I locking the door?  Er, because I don’t want anyone else to hear the amazing, er,  secret…”

But I digress.  Ahem.  Below, feast your eyes on a rogues gallery of famous looking fellas.

You bet your life!

When I was 12, I had a crush on Groucho Marx.  I know, that’s weird.  But even a girlish yearning for the funny man couldn’t make me go on a date with this guy.  Actually, he looks a bit like Steve Martin in the ghastly remake of The Pink Panther too.


Back in the 80s, there wasn’t a woman alive who woudn’t have given her pinky finger for a romantic evening with bad boy Mickey Rourke.  You just knew he’d be dirty as hell.  This guy’s counting on that, except that dude, it’s 2010.  Time for a new look my friend.


If you don’t know who Alan Partridge is, you should.  And as much as I adore him, you wouldn’t catch me at a travel tavern with this fellow.  Or an owl farm either.  Back of the net!

"Give me your clothes, asshole"

Look, Schwartzenegger he ain't, but I couldn't resist adding this in, because dude clearly thinks that showing pictures of his biceps is going to have us ladies swooning in the aisles.  He's got a lovely shiny coat of shoulder hair too.  Rrrrow!

13 December, 2010

The good guys

I've had a bit of feedback lately that perhaps I might be coming across as a sarcastic man-hating bitch.  You see, I only write about the bad dates because they're the interesting ones.  Who cares if I had a nice dinner and nothing much happened?  Well, apparently you do.  So let me share the details of some of the good ones.  I guarantee they won't be nearly as entertaining, but for the sake of balance, here they are.

The Reporter

This guy looked alarmingly like a short version of the most handsome man I ever shagged.  He was a TV news reporter and as a result well travelled and well versed in politics and current affairs.  We had a couple of very fun dates after which I never heard from him again.  I sent him an email, but I didn't hear back, and it's not like me to push the point.  A girl has her dignity, after all.

The Art Director

Oh, this one was a heart-breaker.  I liked him a lot, and would have thrown in the blog for him in a heartbeat.  We had two very fun dates, exchanged a plethora of hilarious emails, and it was all going swimmingly until he gave me the "it's not you it's me" line and disappeared.  I was deeply disappointed, and it took me a full two weeks to get back on the horse.  I immediately unfriended him on facebook - that's how pissed I was.  In retrospect, he was probably a bit neurotic.  He also once asked me never to refer to him as a douchebag.  Instead, I will refer to him as a douche-lord, because he hurt my feelings.

The Chef

This one was lunch at Cicciolina (just about my favourite restaurant ever).  I knew he wasn't right for me from the minute I arrived, but the conversation didn't flag.  Nothing really wrong with him, but nothing outstanding either.  I think he would have liked another date, but I wasn't up for it.

The Project Manager

We had a very pleasant date at Madame Brussels, where I drank a margarita, and he had a beer and we talked about politics and art.  We had a second date at Gingerboy, that went quite well, but he was off on a holiday to the middle east for six weeks.  He left and I didn't hear from him again.

See?  Not nearly as interesting as the disasters, and not nearly as common either I might add.  But I'll include these draberies if it makes you feel better.

08 December, 2010

The List

So once I had a disastrous date with this American dude who turned out, like so many I've met, to have lied about a lot.  Like the fact that his work had sent him to Australia to complete a doctorate in political science.  Turns out it was a family company, which is to say, his parents who sent him to do a bachelor of politics.  Perhaps I'm splitting hairs but you know, whatever.

Anyway, the point of it all is that a few months after the date I deleted his number from my phone.  This turned out to be a Bad Idea.  Because my American pal called me out of the blue to see if I'd like to go for round two.  So now I have a system.  I keep their number, but preface it with an X (as in, don't cross this line).  That way, I can refuse to answer.  So allow me to introduce you to my little friends.

In this list, in no specific order, we have: the guy I nearly ran off the road; the Bad kisser; and the Man's Man.

Here, you'll find The Guy who looked like John Jarrett; Mike Yanagitathe Guy with the Shoes and the aforementioned American.  

But wait, because you also get:

Three more douches!  It's a good system.  I recommend it.