21 January, 2011

Albert

So I'm pretty active on Facebook.  Yeah, I know I should just get a life, but I like it.  It makes me feel connected.  Anyway, imagine my surprise when I got this message from a complete stranger:
"i love a woman at work ms lady ,may we become friends to conversate,i really would like to be your friend ms [Name],i like your eyes and everything else that come along with it"
The grammatical horrors alone preclude me from further correspondence with Desperado here.  And he didn't even sign his name. Admittedly, his inventiveness with verbs should be commended. 

Now I should explain that my current profile picture on Facebook is me wearing a yellow hard hat which explains the "woman at work" comment.  Why I'd be a woman at work in a hard hat and black silk top is beyond me though.  Whatever.  I mean, I expect that sort of thing on a dating site, where one is kind of asking for an email come-on, but on Facebook?  Back off buster!

Oh, and he lives in Sacramento.  So I don't know what he thinks he's going to get when we conversate.  Or what we'd even have in common frankly.  I should start a roadshow of village idiots.  I'd have quite a collection by now.

14 January, 2011

Einstein's Law

Einstein once said something like "the definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome".  At least, I think it was him.  Whatever, I like the concept. 

So given that my profile on this dating site is getting me precisely nowhere, I thought I might update it a little.  Then I thought, hell, why not just write the anti-profile and see if there's any bites.  Just for fun.  So I'm setting up a new profile.  And this, my lovelings, is what it's going to say.



I’m a lazy, disloyal, dishonest slob with all the moral fibre of a rattlesnake. Less actually. I don’t enjoy getting out, and also despise nights of DVDs and cuddling on the couch. Bike rides are tiresome, but takeaway, especially if bought from a drive-thru, is awesome. I drink to get drunk and buy my personality by the cask. I’m selfish, self-indulgent and I don’t care what you think. In fact, whatever your opinion is, unless it’s the same as mine, it’s wrong.

I lie through my teeth, and until recently had a profile that made me sound like a fricken dream date. The truth is I’m not. I’m middle-aged and I’ve let myself go because I can’t abide exercise of any kind. It’s boring and it hurts. If we watch a movie, it’ll be something I like. Usually something violent. I like violent movies. I also like extreme fighting. Dinner for two is fun like sticking pins in my eye, and I’d rather chew off both my legs than go away for a romantic weekend.

You, on the other hand, need to be patient, witty and more fun than a bag full of puppies. You’ll be at least fifteen years younger than me, thick as a post, and preferably mute. Ideally you’ll be totally ripped. Actually, that’s not negotiable. You have to be hotter than a jalapeno in Texas on the fourth of July. You’ll have your own transport, because I need someone to drive me home when I’m smashed. You’ll be a qualified masseur or similar, and have your own apartment that you’ll go to when I’m done with you. It wouldn’t hurt if you had the stamina of a long distance runner and could hold your breath for fifteen minutes at a stretch.

Interested? Then you'll have to pay for the contact, because I'll be damned if I'm wasting a buck on you.

Update: So since I posted this, a few people who know me have expressed concern that this is what I actually think I'm like. It's not. I'm not disloyal! It's just a parody of the sort of profiles one reads all too often. So don't worry my darlings, my ego is as robust and self-deluding as ever!

05 January, 2011

Happy New Year!

Huzzah!  2011 is upon us.  I would love to tell you that I got up to some hijinks on New Year's Eve, but sadly, I was crook with bronchitis, and instead, spent the evening alone on the couch watching the campest movie of all time (You Can't Stop the Music - just remember, leathermen don't get nervous).

Nevertheless, I'm back on the horse, as it were, and am hoping to be getting some serious dating action in the next few weeks.  What's more, I'm planning an NYE re-enactment with some girl pals, so hopefully, I'll pick up then.  I'll keep you posted. 

In the meantime, turn off your computer, and enjoy the warm weather.  Or, if you're in northern climes, go roast some chestnuts or something.