14 January, 2011

Einstein's Law

Einstein once said something like "the definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome".  At least, I think it was him.  Whatever, I like the concept. 

So given that my profile on this dating site is getting me precisely nowhere, I thought I might update it a little.  Then I thought, hell, why not just write the anti-profile and see if there's any bites.  Just for fun.  So I'm setting up a new profile.  And this, my lovelings, is what it's going to say.



I’m a lazy, disloyal, dishonest slob with all the moral fibre of a rattlesnake. Less actually. I don’t enjoy getting out, and also despise nights of DVDs and cuddling on the couch. Bike rides are tiresome, but takeaway, especially if bought from a drive-thru, is awesome. I drink to get drunk and buy my personality by the cask. I’m selfish, self-indulgent and I don’t care what you think. In fact, whatever your opinion is, unless it’s the same as mine, it’s wrong.

I lie through my teeth, and until recently had a profile that made me sound like a fricken dream date. The truth is I’m not. I’m middle-aged and I’ve let myself go because I can’t abide exercise of any kind. It’s boring and it hurts. If we watch a movie, it’ll be something I like. Usually something violent. I like violent movies. I also like extreme fighting. Dinner for two is fun like sticking pins in my eye, and I’d rather chew off both my legs than go away for a romantic weekend.

You, on the other hand, need to be patient, witty and more fun than a bag full of puppies. You’ll be at least fifteen years younger than me, thick as a post, and preferably mute. Ideally you’ll be totally ripped. Actually, that’s not negotiable. You have to be hotter than a jalapeno in Texas on the fourth of July. You’ll have your own transport, because I need someone to drive me home when I’m smashed. You’ll be a qualified masseur or similar, and have your own apartment that you’ll go to when I’m done with you. It wouldn’t hurt if you had the stamina of a long distance runner and could hold your breath for fifteen minutes at a stretch.

Interested? Then you'll have to pay for the contact, because I'll be damned if I'm wasting a buck on you.

Update: So since I posted this, a few people who know me have expressed concern that this is what I actually think I'm like. It's not. I'm not disloyal! It's just a parody of the sort of profiles one reads all too often. So don't worry my darlings, my ego is as robust and self-deluding as ever!

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