17 February, 2011

What. The. Fuck.

So I'm trying a different dating site.  And I got a message from this guy.  I'm just going to put his profile picture up.  It says more than anything I could write.

Yes, that is a diaper.

I kid you not. Apparently he's a truck driver.

Now, I gave up a reaonably okay marriage because I didn't want children.  So I'll be damned if I'm changing my boyfriend's nappy.  Fortunately, he's something of a rarity, and I'm also courting a rather dashing young author.  A real one, who's published and everything.  Thank god.  Now excuse me while I go pour bleach into my eyes to get this image off my retinas.

10 February, 2011

The Swarthy Man

So recently, I was out with some pals.  We landed at an utterly fabulous venue, which I cannot name for reasons that will soon become obvious.  At the end of the evening, as we were leaving, I met The Swarthy Man.

The Swarthy Man owns the venue, and was largely a very unattractive fellow.  Apart from being excessively hirsute, and somewhat squat, he was also one of those men I despise - a rich fellow who thinks money is all it takes to be interesting and attractive.

Here's how the conversation went.

Swarthy Man:   So are you married? Single? What.
DeadFishFloat:  Well, single actually.
SM:  Give me your number and I might call you some time.
DFF:  Might?  How about this, I'll give you my name and if you want to call me, you'll work out the rest.
SM:   No, really, give me your number (goes to the bar, gets pen and paper for me to write it down).
DFF:  (writes name only on paper).  I'm on Facebook.
SM:   What if I'm not on Facebook?
DFF:   Well that, my friend, is not my problem.
And with that, I left the building.*


I don't think I've ever done anything cooler in all my life.  I felt like Lauren Bacall. 

Lauren Bacall.  Possibly the coolest woman who ever lived. 
Until now.

*I would, at this juncture, like to thank the universe for not making me fall over, drop my handbag and have lipsticks and tampons go rolling across the floor, or have any other embarassing mishap occur as I was strutting smugly from the room. 

08 February, 2011

Whoosh! There goes another one.

You may notice a small change on the site. Look up. 

That's right.  I'm no longer 42.  Now I'm 43.  Today, actually. 

And you know, I just don't feel bad about it.  I really don't.  I feel like a million smackers!  Even though, this morning, there were no presents, no flowers, no cards.  Instead, I woke up to the sound of my cat vomiting on my shoes.  Which possibly isn't the happiest way to start one's birthday but is still a gift of sorts.  If a rather unsavoury one.

Nevertheless, this evening, I encourage you to go out and have a lovely cocktail.  A martini perhaps.  A martini so dirty you have to take it out the back and smack its bottom.

I'll see you there.  I'll be the one in the shoes with the suspicious bile coloured stain on them.

03 February, 2011

The Circus Strongman

It's been a bit quiet on the dating scene for yours truly.  Not that I haven't been pursued by lots of suitors, quite the contrary.  But there's been none I could actually bring myself to date.  Even for your sake.  God knows I'm determined to get my sorry arse out there, but really, some of the blokes that have been floating my way on the tawdry tides of love have been downright scary.

For example, let's take a look at this fellow. 

Now there's a few things worth noting.  Firstly, he's the size of a fucking ox.  Secondly he's got no friends because he has to take a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror.  Which is a bit sad.  Although the tiles do look quite clean, which is a mark in his favour.

When I saw him, he reminded me of something.  It took me a minute or two to work it out.  And then I remembered.  He looks exactly like a character I saw in a computer game.  Magical Google soon found the answer.  It was this chap*.

Alarming coincidence, don't you think?  All he needs is a mobile phone in his hand. 

I wonder where we'd go for dinner.  A steak restaurant probably.  And he'd eat his steak raw. With an egg yolk chaser.  Yikes!

*That second image is probably copyright.  So let me say that you should all go download the Mystery Case Files Madame Fate game for PC.  It's fun, and it has great graphics.  There, that should keep the lawyers off my back.