14 April, 2011

Dating tips for the ladies

So recently, I was perusing the web looking to see if there was any competition around. I’m like that. Deeply competitive. Anyway, I stumbled across this list of dating tips for girls.

In my opinion it should be titled “How to be a whiny fuckin' princess”. I seriously cannot believe the utter bollocks I stumbled across. You can find the whole list here, but for your delectation, here’s some highlights.

Dating Tips

Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.
  • You know, it’s not good to blab every single fucking detail of your life, but not because it makes you enigmatic. Mostly, it’s because blabbing makes you boring (see The Man’s Man).
Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
  • Okay, but what if he’s not interested? What if you earn more money than he does? What if having him pay means he’s going to expect you to put out at the end of the night? This happens. It happens A Lot.  
Ensure you receive flowers. If he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
  • What the fuck? You’re not going to shag him, you don’t even know him, but he’s supposed to pony up for some fucking flowers? Look, flowers are nice, but I’d be terribly uncomfortable about a bloke who turned up with a bunch of tulips, especially if they also had a teddy bear attached or a balloon that says “I wuv you” (ugh.  See Chemistry Lesson for that story) or some other inane bollocks.
Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
  • Oh, I get it. Sex is a commodity that you should trade for attention. I ask you fellas, do you really think less of a woman because she enjoys a good romp? Fuck that, if I’m on a date with a hottie, I’m getting my heels to Jesus as soon as he’ll have me.
Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative (sic).
  • Now that’s just rude. I always turn up exactly on time. It shows integrity. Keeping a guy waiting is just poor form. Besides, if you can’t spell prerogative, you don’t have one.

Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
  • What is WRONG with these people? Don’t answer the phone? Don’t call back? If I was a bloke I’d tell them to just fuck off. Actually, I found a study recently that said that men don’t like women to play hard to get. They like to them to play hard to get to every other man. Makes sense when you think about it.

If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
  • Really. Lady, you are so not getting laid.
Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
  • Because that’s what we girls need. A reputation for being difficult, impossible to please, uptight, unavailable and not clear on what we want.
Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to.
  • Practice on a mirror. Har! Why not practice on your date? Much better idea. That’s what boys are for!  But the mirror’s not going to give you any constructive feedback. And they’re a bitch to clean.
If the guy in the corner is gorgeous, go get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
  • Oh, so now you’re supposed to vamp it up with the hot guy. But if he calls you, don’t answer. If he wants to see you on Tuesday, don’t be available. I love the “create the need in him for you.” Actually, most fellas I’ve met already have the need.   I like to call it “the little brain”. It takes care of that.

When good dates go bad.

Online Dating Rules

Post the best and most vampish photo you can find.
  • That way, you’ll look like a slut, even if you expect flowers and don’t put out.
Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt.
  • Clearly the internet equivalent of the phone call rule above. Doesn’t work.

Never provide your real email or phone details.
  • Because it’s always better to lie about stuff. Especially later on when you have to confess that you lied about stuff.

Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy, as well as enigmatic.
  • Like what? Furry-fancier? 
Do not assume the person you are talking to is destitute or sad.
  • Just because you are, doesn’t mean they are.

Never ever reply to emails on weekends. Wait until a weekday.
  • That way, you can pretend you’re popular and busy, when in reality you spent the weekend sitting around with your cats, crying, eating tub after tub of Sarah Lee extra-chocolate-chunk o’ misery ice cream with lonely caramel fat sauce, watching Eat Pray Love over and over again.
Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile.
  • Especially if you have to practice kissing in the mirror.
Do not chat to hundreds of men at once. The delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.
  • First you’re not to reply, now you have to jump to it. Oh, I get it, this is “goal post changing”.
So there you have it ladies. How to stay single for the rest of your life and be an unlikable wankress at the same time.


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