08 June, 2011

Babes in History Part 1

As you know, I struggle with a dearth of quality man-flesh. I do, however take comfort in the knowledge that greatness has gone before me, and that I’m not one of the sisters living in a different time, where options were, if possible, even thinner on the ground.  For example, poor old Lucretia Borgia was married of to a string of old blokes with titles and bore eight children, the last of which killed her (the birth, not the baby).  Eight.  Sweet baby Jesus on a fire engine.  What’s more, she the subject of many delighted whispers, including accusations of incest, murder and various other depravities.  Poor bitch.  What a miserable existence.

Anyway for your entertainment, I thought I’d put together a little list of some of my favourite historical hellcats.  Women that make my dating life look like a fucking gang bang with the US mens' gymnastic team.

Elizabeth 1 – the (cough) Virgin Queen

You'd better be smokin' hot to mess with me.
Well, we may as well start at the top.  And Betty 1 was a corker.  She was super-smart.  She ruled England, won the hearts of the people, and was enormously popular with pretty much everyone.  She spoke English, Spanish, French, Italian, Greek and Latin fluently, and famously addressed visiting courtiers in their native tongues.  Damn straight.  She ruled the parliament at a time when women were considered a bit thick, and won several decisive battles against the Spaniards.  She was bad-ass.

But for all her achievements, Elizabeth couldn’t find a date.  Oh there were suitors aplenty, but none worthy (sound familiar?).  Also, she insisted on meeting them before she’d consent to marry them, which doesn’t seem so unreasonable today, but was a pretty fricken big deal in the 16th century.

Look, I’ve read a lot about QE1, and let me tell you, she may never have married, but I’ve got ten bucks says she wasn’t a virgin.  No way.  She was too smart, too sassy and way too rich to not enjoy a little fleshly pleasure now and again. 

Oh, so you should know that contrary to popular belief, she didn't stop trying to find a husband (in order to have an heir to the throne).  Even when she was in her forties, which is why she's my hero.  Although, you know, obviously I don't want an heir. 

Mary, Queen of Scots

Anyone for polo?  No?  How about nuptuals?
Okay, I’m going to be up front and tell you that Mary was dumb as a box of hammers.  She was sporty, horsey and apparently quite a fine-lookin’ gal (although you wouldn’t know it from the portraits), but smart she wasn’t.  But lets start at the beginning.

The First Husband – Francis II of France. 

He was 15, she was 14. Francis 2 was an idiot. Hopelessly inbred, he was narrow shouldered, short, with reeking breath and unsightly red blotches on his face. One court regular described him as "pale and swollen, rather than fat" and "bilieux". Frank 2 died at the age of 17 without having reached puberty.  Also, I'm told, his balls never dropped. 

Nevertheless, he was fine fodder considering the bloke they set her up with next - Don Carlos of Spain.  Holy fucking shit.  Another victim of a limited gene pool, Don Carlos he was not only alarmingly ugly, he weighed less than 40kg, and was an utter fucktard. He had one shoulder lower than the other, spoke with a pronounced impediment and was, on occasion, prone to epileptic fits. What's more he was violent, evil tempered and lustful. It was this last trait that led him to tumble down a flight of stairs chasing a chambermaid. The ensuing concussion left him partially paralysed, and blind. A wily Italian doctor drilled a hole in his skull, which apparently relieved his paralysis somewhat, but left him prone to unendurable fits of homicidal rage.  Fortunately for Mary, it didn’t work out with the Don. 

Second husband - Henry Stuart, Lord Darnley

Enter the dashing Lord Darnley, handsome raconteur, seducer of women, sportsman, favourite of Elizabeth, and er, first cousin of Mary herself. Although already syphylitic at the time of his marriage, he was considered quite a catch. Of course, he was also petulant, selfish and sulky.  Oh, but there’s more.  Because Darnley was intensely jealous, and once, out of spite, stabbed Mary’s best pal and favourite musician to death before her very eyes.  While she was knocked up too.  What a fuckwit.

Darnley pissed of a lot of people, and before you could say “succession plan” he was found strangled in the garden.  On to number three!

The Third Husband – James Hepburn, 4th Earl of Bothwell

Instigator of the murder of husband 2, Bothwell was hirsute, swarthy, and squat.  Oh, and a rapist.  Because after bumping off Darnley, he kidnapped Mary and repeatedly brutalised her.  As a good Catholic girl (see, religious people were stupid even then), Mary wasn’t overly comfortable with shenanigans outside the marital bed, and now that now they’d done the nasty, she’d better get hitched and pronto.  Silly idiot.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that the murder plot was uncovered, and the lords rose up against Mary and Bothwell.  He left her standing to take the rap, and pissed off to Scandanavia while she was imprisoned, making him both a coward and a douchebag deluxe.*

*So it turns out that Bothwell had hastily divorced his first wife to have a crack at Mary.  She had her revenge, because he was caught in Norway, where she was living, and she had him chucked in jail and took his boat as compensation.  Serves the fucker right I say.

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